From an early age we create an artificial or false self to avoid re-experiencing the pain and trauma of having our true self judged and rejected in our close relationships.
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A baby cries and it’s care giver looks angry, looks away dismissively, or is overwhelmed themselves. The same baby smiles and is rewarded with expressions of delight. It quickly learns which of it’s emotions are acceptable and which aren’t. And so the development of the 'false self' and early childhood trauma begins.
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From an early age we create an artificial or false self to avoid re-experiencing the pain and trauma of having our true self judged and rejected in our close relationships. How many times do you hear a well intentioned person saying to a child ‘Don’t make a fuss’/ ‘ Be good ’/ ‘Don’t cry, don’t be silly’? There are implied judgments in these expressions about what is and isn’t acceptable about ourselves, and of course we do have to adapt to an extent in order to live in a society.
But there’s a big difference between putting on a persona in certain situations to be accepted by others, a ‘subpersonality’ as Ken Wilber describes, and always acting from that place, in all situations, with everyone.
A False Self isn’t a persona we can drop when we want to, it is an unconscious adaptive response to trauma that we use all the time, for fear that if we show our true self we will be rejected, abandoned, humiliated or not liked. And it’s incredibly convincing. In fact it’s virtually impossible for others to know that this is not our true self; it's only the person living this way that feels the hollowness of not feeling seen or having their needs met.
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When we live through our False Self we feel dead and empty, fake and unable to show our real selves in any part of our lives. And very often our true self is so hidden in the shadows that we don't even even know who we are any more. We only know who we are from the feedback from others, which is usually that we’re helpful, kind, eager to please, reliable, generous.. But any pleasure we may derive from these compliments feels empty and fleeting, and is often accompanied by thinking that they wouldn’t say that if they knew ‘the real me’. Which means that it’s even more important to keep our true selves hidden. And we actually come to believe that the false self is us; people find it attractive and come to me for help so that must be who I am; why wouldn't we want that positive feedback?
In addition it’s very hard to have boundaries or say no when our focus is on pleasing others. ‘If I say 'no' will I still be liked or will people leave me?’ is a common fear. So consequently people take for granted our overgenerosity with our time, our money and our willingness to subject ourselves to any sort of inconvenience in order to please them. Sometimes it’s even abused, such as in codependent relationships or relationships with a narcissist. And yet still we can’t stop ourselves.
